Heard it through the grapevine

Been feeling nothing for quite a while now. Yes, nothing. It certainly isn’t a void of depression nor an absence, if such a thing is possible. I just feel nothing at all – it’s pretty unsettling. I have had things happening to me that I knew should make me feel something, and the news I have heard that could feel like a bolt of lightning from an otherwise blue sky but instead of feeling, I just don’t. I know I am known to be heartless but man this was on a whole ‘nother level. I wanted to cry but I couldn’t. I wanted to feel anything at all but I just move through the world, like a blank page. It’s like being the shell of a person and it was just terrible. 

But tonight, I’m actually feeling something. I know I have steeled myself but my heart’s softer than ever. Learnt to let go of past perceptions and I realise that it takes time and a whole lot of courage and although I am prepared with an arsenal of thoughts and comforting strategies, it is actually a relief to be a little upset over everything that I have been feeling nothing about. Say what's on your mind, but only if it feels right, right? But at this point, I don’t know what is anymore. God this post is all over the place. Just needed to rant, sorry if I got you confused. I know I’m difficult to relate.