The Shallows

I am so tired today I can barely function. I slept in this morning and woke up around noon feeling groggy and took another 4-hour nap. I am now in “Sleep Inertia” which means I woke up from deep sleep instead of light sleep. There are definitely some hormonal fluctuations going on because I am fatigued and not just sleepy. My back is aching due to the contractions in my uterus and most of the time I just want to cry because I need my daily dose of ice cream fix but I can’t have any because my throat is sore. If you’re a guy thinking women are whiners who can’t chalk it up and get shit done on those days where period blood gush out of their hoohah; you my friend, need to go for a swim with the sharks.

Speaking of which, have you watched The Shallows yet? I have and I enjoyed it mainly because the scenery is just so breathtakingly beautiful. In the movie, Blake Lively squares off against a great white shark and I thought it was kind of weird because I was imagining her as Serena van der Woodsen the whole time. This is not a movie heavy on plot but it was pretty entertaining to watch Blake fight for her life against a deadly predator. In which she survived in the end, obviously. Pfsh.

The view from the secret beach – a chain of islands that sort of look like the profile of a pregnant woman in the distance – somehow reminded me of Tasik Dayang Bunting. I pointed this out to my siblings and they all agreed. I then started doubting the whole tale behind the Dayang Bunting legend…

Anyway, the movie inspired me to brush up on my basic (more like non-existent) survival skills. Imagine finding yourself having to fend off a shark in the middle of the sea. What would you do to survive? If a shark is coming toward you or it attacks you, how is it possible for you to hit a shark back? Let’s be realistic here, you and I both know that I’ll probably die from panic attack just at the sight of the shark. It would be impossible to remember to hit the shark’s eyes or gills, which are supposedly to be the areas most sensitive to pain. I’ll probably tell the shark that I’m too skinny to be its meal instead of trying to prove to it that I am not defenseless. I mean seriously, have you guys seen my stick-thin hands? I can barely open a bottle cap without asking for help from my younger sister.

I can’t promise that I will try to fend myself off a shark but I’ll do anything to avoid an attack. First of all, I will never go to shark-infested waters anywhere in the world. There are so many safe beaches, why risk your life? Secondly, I will avoid being in the water during darkness or twilight hours because that’s when sharks are known to be most active with a competitive sensory advantage. My parents never let me out after Maghrib anyway so this should be fine. Next step in avoiding a shark attack is to not wear shiny jewelry when swimming in the ocean because I have learnt that the reflected light resembles the sheen of fish scales. Last but not least, do not enter the water if you are bleeding from an open wound or if you are menstruating because did you know that sharks are drawn to blood? Don’t mess with their olfactory ability guys that is if you want to survive. Plus, who goes for a swim on their period? Eww.